2018 Week 10 – Wow

So many things have happened… are happening… continue to happen… and I am just clinging onto the handlebars of my journey… my new life. There are days when I just have to climb into my cave, my den, my rabbit hole… and screeeeeam “TIME OUT!!!”…  I need time for me!  I need time to unpack all that has happened… to take the responsibility that I am creating this new reality and EVERYTHING IS IN MY CONTROL!  Everything is coming from the world within… MY world within!  So I need some time to concentrate my thoughts and get my sh!t together… to create the plan to follow…   Phew…  Silence.  Quiet.  Peace.

Today was an emotional roller coaster for me.  I am going to commit it to my long term memory and put a bookmark in it… to remember.  What a great place to put this bookmark… right here!

You see, today touched me… deep in my heart.  While I know the old me would have seen this as more of a negative… red pencil day… the more the new me went deeper into examining today and its message from the universe to me… I slowly began to realize how I have learned to think different about situations as they present themselves to me!  I am so grateful for my new ability… no… my uncovered powers, to not only translate or recognize situations differently… looking for the good and the right and the opportunity, but to now know and understand that I am the creator of the situation that I am now interpreting.  Is it the universe trying to communicate with me?  Is it the calling of my heart that I am starting to hear… again…?

I received a text this morning explaining that someone had thought about something I said… oh heck… #1 “…. I know I was really negative about … stuff at …’s.  It is a side effect of being overwhelmed. But, I’ve been chewing on what you said when we/I said we didn’t want to have a wedding. You said “thank you”. And I didn’t know what to say at first, but now I understand! I just want to say thank you for being kind enough to have that response instead of validating our feelings. That’s really cool and it has changed my perspective!”

My two favorite words…. Awareness and Perspective… and now I have had the pleasure of manifesting a positive changed perspective for someone I love!  Capital W. O. W!  I feel so happy… so fulfilled… so grateful… words just can’t justify my hearts feelings… and then #2 “… I’m grateful that you are VERY easy going” … wait… what???  Did I just get called “VERY easy going” ???  Who am I? “… they know me not,” …heck I don’t know me not…lol… “for today I am a new man, with a new life.” Yeah baby!

Last night I came across a video from my favorite Pastor Jim. It was one of those sermons that I just wish I could have been sharing with … well EVERYONE! I sent it to a special someone that I know was… is, going through a really hard time. The response I got back was “You always seem to have just what I need when I need it! Thanks!”  That made my heart sing… again. So I called her after getting this text and something that I picked up on a year or two ago that I kinda wanted to do presented itself to me again. She, like I, go into what we call dark mode. Sometimes just a bit, but other times to the deepest, darkest hole we can find. She was there… dark… and this time deep. This person reached out to me. Shared her feelings of quitting… giving up… and OMG… ME TOO!

I loved the group analogy Pastor Jim had shared a few years ago, and then again in this video, that we learn in rows, we grow in circles. We believe that living life and linking arms in a safe “me too” group is the best environment… the best environment to create. A safe haven, an environment with no judgement… a safe harbor… a shoulder to lean on or to cry on… ears to listen and hearts to share and support. I want to be a part of a group like this. I want to help!

I was on my way to an appointment while I was on this call and pulled over to give the situation my full attention. It horrified me and then filled my heart with gratitude as I was able to get her to actually laugh before hanging up. As I entered my appointment, horror once again began to overcome me as this women explained that she was in a horrible, frustrating, ready to quit… ready to give up, mood. 🙁 She had pulled herself back up and out of the horrific funk she fell into, but the story was the same… just a different person. How many others are like this? What can I do to help? Can I help? Do I want to help? Who will help if I don’t? Am I hearing my heart calling? Will I answer the call?

YES… Yes I will help. Yes I want to help. Yes, I want to at least start down the road of creating my group and seeing what happens from there. I’m going into a sit to see what I can manifest… and what the universal mind… or the spirit… or God has to share with me. I Believe

2018 Week 09 -Grace

I don’t know where time goes anymore.  I thought before it was flying by… when I was negative and not enjoying life…but now… now that my life is mine again and I am doing what I want instead of doing what I have to…well ZOOOOM!!!  It is really flying by!

While I am working on my patience, I am impatient…?  Did beginning my last career take so long to take off?  Why does now feel as if time is going by so much faster?  Why now after I have let my career go, do I seem to have even less time???

2018 Week 07 Wow

Locked… hanging… waiting… processing… thinking …OBSERVING!!!

Thanks Joan for reaching out and acknowledging the awareness I am having of myself.  I seem to be in such a turmoil… at least internally.  The new … or future me struggling with past… trying to make it past, me.

The refusal of doing work that just simply is overwhelming me…  real or not… as much as I am in such a great turmoil… battle… fight… with myself!?  …I can’t shake the bits of red pencil that creep in and call me out… loser… never finish anything you start… it’s just refusal of the call to my greatness, is why I am not doing it… playing small… not letting your light shine… it’s all okay Rip… don’t worry about it… why are being so hard on yourself… why are you trying to become something different than you are???…. something that you are not… STOP!  Taking control back from my own negative thoughts is what I know that I need to do!!!… but… It’s so hard… so frustrating and exhausting and emotional… I just want to slip back into a deep dark hiding spot… hold out somewhere until this blows over… and things just go back to… uh NO!

What did I get myself into???  Why do I always have to try to take the hard way through everything I do?… wait… am I slipping back into pools of self-pity?  YIKES!  Awareness.  I’m not going to compare myself with others… I will only look at what I am doing well!  Where’s my green pencil?… I need a good ole boost of positivity to push me through this mindset!  Back to the war.  Battle by battle I can leap… just as the swings of my axe barely chip away at the mighty oak… something is better than nothing and going back to what I was is not an option at this point!!!  I can be what I will to be and I will to move forward…

2018 Week 06 Support

Thank you to everyone for all of your support… kind words… and kicks in the butt that I really do need.  For some reason at some times I fall into pools of self pity… I get my red pencil out and start going nuts on myself.  While I help others see what they do right and don’t allow them to red pencil themselves… yet… I do not do the same for myself!!!???

I repaired a rotted out roof a few weeks ago and while a friend was asking me about finishing it, I said that I did… BUT let’s wait until after it rains to see if it is waterproofed this time, I added.  SERIOUSLY she asked!  You finished the huge project of cutting out rotted roof sections and rotted wall sections and got it all back together and finished that …and rather than green penciling yourself and basking in the glory of completing the project, you moved the goal post back and rather than celebrating your accomplishment, you saw the glass half empty… or looked for the negative!!!???

Hmmmmmm.  What the hell…  Boy did she let me have it!!!  …and you know what?… she was right!  Why did I do that?  I wouldn’t ever let her do that… and how good is that of her to call me out on that???  So why?  Old blueprint?  Was I needing a fix of boo hoo poor me???  Was it the old me… playing small… not serving the world… being afraid of my light… shrinking so that others won’t feel insecure around me???

So many awarenesses are starting to surface.  While at first I hid myself in shame when I became… when I become aware… I have started to associate a different feeling with that new found awareness… celebration!  Only from a new found awareness can change begin… and Thank God I am starting to become aware of a whole lot of things in my life that are not as how I want them… anymore.  Now I can truly begin to associate different feelings and different reactions to things that had started to define my future… to trap me in my old life, my old blueprint… to which I say… NOT ANYMORE!  I can be what I will to be!  I believe!

2018 Week 05 Stalled

Stalled… Overwhelmed… Observing… Why am I in this…. funk?  Why can I see more clearly in others that which I can not see in myself?  Why does my light scare me?

I can disappear into sits and not want to come back to reality…. or do I go to reality when I disappear into my sits and not want to return to… to… hmmmm

How long does it take to do absolutely everything?  Does anyone do everything???  How do you have time to do everything???

I am in such a …. funk… I guess is the best word I can think of.  Everything seems all funked up!  Maybe it is where I need to be to restart or reboot me…  I just don’t know… or do I?

I take each day as they come and am grateful for each of them.  No longer having the elephant riding on my chest each day is an amazing feeling.  Time to focus on who I want to become.  I can will what I want to be.

2018 Week 04 Observing

As the work gets piled on, I step back away and observe myself. Years peel back exposing the memories of my feelings like it was yesterday… STOP…. PILING … ON… THE … HOMEWORK!!!  …and just like that… I am back in school!   YIKES!!!

It wasn’t very good the first time I felt these feelings and I am remembering these feelings again, but this time there is a difference.  This time the work I know I have to do!  I have come so far already… How could I give up at this point???

So just like last year when I opened the door and there was snow halfway up the door and it was still snowing… I just laugh at how the universe wants to be… chuckling to myself as I close door, I begin to sing “let it snow let it snow let it snow…”  Pile it on pile it on pile it oooooon!

I will not let my emotions nor the red pencil dictate the weight of my perceived success!  I will do what I can and focus on the positivity of what I do.  That which I have not done is only because I have not been able to get to it YET.  I will get to it!


2018 Week 03 :.-/

This week is a very difficult week for me… You see, I have recently become aware of the fact that I shrink so that other people won’t feel insecure around me.  I thought that not only was it okay, but that I was actually helping others by not making them feel insecure around me.

Explain that to me Extraordinary Eileen asks.  So if I was having an amazing day and someone asked me how I was doing, especially someone that I know was not in a good way, instead of saying “I am awesome today… truly having a magnificent day!” …I would say “I’m okay… you know, same ole same ole.”  I would actually feel guilty to be having such a great day because the person I was engaging with was not.

Writing this out and reading it takes on even another form to me now.  I can kind of justify it… but being involved with the MasterKey Mastermind Alliance (MKMMA) and learning what I am learning and reading that with my newfound knowledge…well…makes it seem pretty stupid that I would do that to myself!?

So week three of the MasterKey lesson brings out lots of tears from me as I try to read through it.  “It is evident, therefore, that all we have to do is let our light shine;” …all we have to do!!!???  Yikes!!!

What a shift of habit!  …and awareness:

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

…and BOOM!  I AM ALL IN!  How selfish have I been NOT letting my light shine>?  What an awareness of how helpful I could be if I would just let my light shine!!!

Today I begin my new life!

I Believe

2018 Week 02 – OoooOOOOO

Got some help from the Alliance this week with something that I was struggling with… Linking.

The Blue Rectangle was introduced last week for us to use as a linking tool… to be used as a string around the finger to remember kinda deal to “link” what we have written down on our chore card to do.  I equate it to when you really never saw any Ford Sho’s on the road… until… you bought one!  My two favorite words, Awareness and Perspective.  We (Extraordinary Eileen and I) never really saw any Sho’s until after we bought one.  I would say that our awareness of Ford Sho’s increased to the point that we started seeing them all over… Perspective.

This week I have started to look for Blue Rectangles… the color Blue… and the Rectangle shape.  I think that I am going to have to tie a string around my finger because I keep fading the awareness of looking for Blue Rectangles away!?  I like the idea that I can keep the chore that I wrote down in the front of my mind and things that I need to do and link it subconsciously to Blue… Rectangles.  So teaching my subconscious that every time I see Blue Rectangles I will think of my chore… compounded with the “Do It Now” chant 25 times twice a day… how could I not get my chore done!!!???

I Believe

2018 Week 01-Begin

Already Week 1 of the MKMMA is upon me… gone by me… YIKES!

I struggled to make the decision to once again engage in the MasterKey Mastermind Alliance (MKMMA) or the MasterKey Experience (MKE) as some call it.  The Extraordinary Eileen asked if I was participating again this year and while I pondered her question, I turned to look into those beautiful blue eyes of hers and realized that she was not asking me 😉   I have learned a great question to ask myself in times of difficulty and when I simply need a burst of truth… What am I pretending not to know?

So… here I am in my 5th journey through the MasterKey Experience… Thank-you sweetheart!

I have learned that I am somewhat of a perfectionist at heart and I really can’t let go of the fact that I really want to find my true calling, my passion, my dharma.  I have come so far at this point of my journey, how could I give up when what my heart really wants seems to be so close???

I will catch up!  I will do what needs to be done and if it is only one more step closer to where I am going… well… I’ll be one more step closer!!!

I Believe