My emotions have intensified since letting go of the life I had… or to be more specific, the swings have become larger… meaning I have been feeling more intense feelings of joy and happiness but also more intense feelings of sorrow and sadness. I recognize, accept and believe that I have created these new feelings. My original intent has evolved into something I would have never believed if I had not lived it. This is so amazing!
So as I think about my new future, I know that I need to refocus.
You know when you rush all day and at the end of the day, the days gone? How was your day? Were there things that made you happy… were there things that brought you joy? Do you remember your day or was it just one of those gone in a flash?
I have been enjoying my new life and trying to stay focused on just that fact. It’s hard. Old peptides and habits constantly try to get back in. As the burning inside me to become something more than I am starts to overwhelm me, I recall back to my life before letting go of what I didn’t want or need anymore… take a deep breath… and enjoy.
As I sit and think about past, present and future… I just am.
I am whole, perfect, strong, powerful, loving, harmonious, and happy! While a part of me experiences the nagging burning flame of me becoming better than I am… another part of me just is. I am happy. I take the time to see what I have grown to not see, the beauty all around me, the happiness and kindness and just loving to live in the moments.
I share this because I have questions… I have always had questions… but the one in particular that has been haunting me lately is simply: What do I want?
While I came up with my DMP (Definite Major Purpose) … well I actually keep coming up with my Definite Major Purposes… but they keep evolving… as I implement an action or actions toward them and then realize that it’s not really what I want… or not really getting satisfaction from the results from the actions that I am taking as I thought I might… I keep coming back to my sit… and asking myself: What Do I Want?
Huge epiphanies have revealed themselves to me as I begin to become aware of very saddening facts about our society… most people will not assist in their own rescue. When confronted with what someone (I) can do for them, they would rather blow it off and justify by saying it’s just too good to be true and there must be a “catch”, rather than engaging in a life changing situation… opportunity… and change their life. Even more evident is the microwave mentality that our society has allowed to become acceptable, the buy now pay later, take a pill and lose weight… Common sense dictates that we need to put the effort in… Do The Work!!! … nope… not the majority of our society… People say things… but then after diving down deeper… one finds that they mean the complete opposite or really didn’t think through completely what they were saying…. SQUIRREL!
I know that I am here to serve others. Helping others fulfills me but only to the end result of those that I am helping need to step up and help themselves so that they can reap the benefits… they can experience the fruits of their (our) labor.
So lately I have been focusing my sits on what I really want and what my future self and my future self’s schedule looks like. I can fill my schedule with appointments and commitments… but then I wonder if I am returning to the existence that I had before letting go of Snap-On… going back onto the hamster wheel of life… just a different way to occupy my time… and do I want that??? I’m not going to lie… the last few years of my life have been pretty spectacular!!! I LOVE MY NEW FREEDOM!!!
…so do I want that to change at this point? Do I have to answer the What Do I Want question… yet? Naaaa I am happy. I can live with the irritation of knowing that I can be better than I am… for now. I am happy. I am just.
Just being. Whole, Perfect, Strong, Powerful, Loving, Harmonious, and Happy. That’s me!
I struggle hardest now because I know the end of my old subconscious and the end of my old blueprint are near… and they are engaged in a hail Mary goal line stand! I get it. Fifty some odd years of building habits and responses to situations that I am now trying to reprogram… who said it would be easy? Who expected it to be easy? Who hoped it would be easier … raising my hand 😉
I struggle to maintain peace and harmony… and always try to look behind the situation for the lesson or message now. What reason is this happening?… What can I learn from this? What am I pretending not to know? Such deep questions can no longer have simple answers and I am learning to probe deeper… to listen to my heart that I have drowned out for so long that I know it will take hard work to allow it to be heard again… this time with the understanding of letting it be my guide… following what my heart wants… how long have I not done that? I feel as a released prisoner. This is my day.
As I was having my sub made a wonderful woman struck up conversation with me in the line. While paying for my sub, the other worker dropped this wonderful woman’s wrap onto the register next to mine. Loud and clear I heard the universe as I nodded to Taylor to add hers to mine. As quickly as I could I made my way to the door but…. BUSTED… “HEY!” I heard the woman cry. I turned quickly to acknowledge her gratitude and smiled… heading out the door… but I wasn’t done yet. As I pulled out of my parking spot and headed for the exit… the woman stepped off the walk and blocked my escape… Standing in the driveway she made me stop and roll down my window. She once again thanked me for her wrap and as she stepped out of the way I exited. Normally I enjoy praise for a good deed done… recognition for creative expression… but trying to do something kind and not getting caught brought a whole new perspective… a whole new awareness to me. As happy as I was to do the deed, I was confused by wanting to not get caught being more important than gratefully accepting her gratitude.
I know me not, for I am a new man with a new life…
I am deep in thoughts this week… even more sits and thinking this week… because… things are still violently rocking my world! I am trying to make sense of things that transpire and, in a way, try to understand that I may be the one responsible for them.
This week was very much like “The Wizard of Oz” to me. I know that I am on a new path… I changed my direction and now I am fighting the old blueprint with a vengeance to make it go away in support for my NEW blueprint. I know these new things that I manifest come from subconscious and conscious thought. … BUT… You know when you believe in something because, well… it just makes sense… it just feels right and you think what you feel… and what you believe … what you believed… to be true… is… were… was… until… it wasn’t? Something came along and cracked that shell of new belief you had… I had … just to give you just enough of a peek inside…. enough of maybe a doubt, that it might be all that it takes to make yourself re-question everything from that previous moment of new belief!!!??? Yup… *raising my hand* I am re-evaluating a lot of what I thought to be true. The people that I believed in. The lessons that I have been taught… the things that I learned… that I believe… believed… The lines that were drawn… marking integrity and belief and knowledge… and now they seem to be… so blurred. Like Toto pulling back the curtain and exposing the wizard to Dorothy… the wizard has been exposed! What a crushing blow! What a feeling of… you know how when you let go of that balloon you blew up until it almost popped and it whooshes away… like that!!!
Hmmmm So… how will I choose to proceed? I will not cut off my nose to spite my face… would I? Am I going to just let everything go? Would that be rational… even possible at this point of my game??? Is that what my subconscious is up to??? Could my subconscious be that desperate that it would be that dirty??? Hmmmm Fifty years of blueprint and subconscious trying to hang on…. maybe.
Even after exposing the wizard, it did not all come to a complete stop or reversal for Dorothy and the tin man and the lion and the scarecrow… Just because one thing or two things or three things are not as how they appear, doesn’t mean there are not options for continuing forward. Through adversity comes the greatest gain, if you let it. I choose to let it. Just as the wizard was still able to be the wizard… even after being exposed, he still guided Dorothy and the rest as the wizard. I too choose to still continue down this path I started… even if things are not completely how I imagined or believed them to be! I can and will adjust.
Things are different now though. I need to re-train my brain some more. While some people look for a reason to not move forward… I don’t want to use this as my reason to stop my growth. I know in my heart the greater good of continuing moving forward.
I was going to say that a trait I have had most of my life is not quitting… but quickly the memories of college and my father come pouring back to me. You see… I did not finish college. I think from that realm I hear voices, were they really from my father or were they figments of my imagination?… that I never finish anything I start. My parents, after they divorced and sold our house, set aside money in trust funds for me and my sister to go to college. After 2 years at Plattsburgh State, I got my elective credits done and then I needed to decide… I needed to make a decision about what I was going to major in. I only had enough money for two more years so I couldn’t ‘waste’ a semester while trying to figure it out. And that’s about as far back as I can remember to beat myself up about not being able to make a decision. So I took the year off to decide WHAT… DO… I… WANT…
That was 40 years ago. What’s changed? Me I’m so aware of what I was not aware of back then. God did not put in me the ability to make the right decision every time, but He did put in me the ability to make a decision and then make it right! Where was this awareness 40 years ago? Why did I not know this? Was I not ready to know this?
SQUIRREL! I’ve changed. I’ve changed so much these last few years I frequently become overcome with tears and emotions and feelings of gratitude and happiness and just plain amazed at myself and my life. They say that when you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change. I’m not anywhere close to where I want to be… yet… but I am so far away from where I was, I LOVE IT! This year has been an even harder struggle for me than the last few years and my driving mindset is that I must be so close to breaking through!!! It’s always darkest before the dawn, right? I can beat myself up for not doing everything that I am suppose to do… or … I can accept the fact that the universe is exactly the way it is suppose to be… I choose the latter. I am natures greatest miracle and the flame that burns inside me… well I’m just fanning it until it overtakes everything! I know I am on a journey… MY journey… I do not have a destination and am trying as best as I can to enjoy my journey, my new life… every day being a blessing and a fresh start… a clean slate. I am slowly rebooting myself… shifting the software of my programming per say. I am hanging on to the MasterKey… maybe just by the hair on my chinny chin chin… but because I know in my heart that is what I need to do… but… why is there always a but???… I … wait… I? can generate such turmoil inside me… am I generating all this turmoil??? It’s like there is a huge fight, you know, the one guy on one shoulder… the other guy on the other shoulder…
I am not quitting! I am different now, I am not a quitter. I can do this! I need to do this… my future self is all in my hands now… I can see him looking at me… cheering me on… egging me to do the right thing… listen to my heart… I decide what I want… I decide… I will win! I Believe
As I look back past the weeks that have once again blown by, I still extend the grace to myself that I so desperately need!
Family became second to God these last few weeks and in that order I approached my scheduling. I have been out of town for the last few weeks and as I have learned to welcome obstacles because they are my challenge, obstacles might have won these past few weeks. Issues with my web hosting company for this website shut my website down!? My son was married and as he honeymooned, my wife, the extraordinary Eileen and I were lucky enough to have been able to dog/house sit and decorate their house and welcome them home from their honeymoon with a warm home. Time that I thought I would have been able to put into MasterKey and catching up and moving forward seemed to be already claimed by the universe for things completely different… but as I write this I have this weird feeling of knowing what ultimately are the most important things for me to be doing.
I have changed a huge amount in these last years but I am not where I want to be. Learning what my true purpose is has been another struggle as I listen … and try to hear what my heart really wants! I know that it is always darkest before the dawn and a part of me believes that this years’ huge resistance on my part and even a bit by the universe is only the reality that my world within is creating and that I am on the brink of major evolution for my life.
Thank you for those of you that have helped me with your kind words and guidance. Mere words could never express the gratitude I have for you.
So many things have happened… are happening… continue to happen… and I am just clinging onto the handlebars of my journey… my new life. There are days when I just have to climb into my cave, my den, my rabbit hole… and screeeeeam “TIME OUT!!!”… I need time for me! I need time to unpack all that has happened… to take the responsibility that I am creating this new reality and EVERYTHING IS IN MY CONTROL! Everything is coming from the world within… MY world within! So I need some time to concentrate my thoughts and get my sh!t together… to create the plan to follow… Phew… Silence. Quiet. Peace.
Today was an emotional roller coaster for me. I am going to commit it to my long term memory and put a bookmark in it… to remember. What a great place to put this bookmark… right here!
You see, today touched me… deep in my heart. While I know the old me would have seen this as more of a negative… red pencil day… the more the new me went deeper into examining today and its message from the universe to me… I slowly began to realize how I have learned to think different about situations as they present themselves to me! I am so grateful for my new ability… no… my uncovered powers, to not only translate or recognize situations differently… looking for the good and the right and the opportunity, but to now know and understand that I am the creator of the situation that I am now interpreting. Is it the universe trying to communicate with me? Is it the calling of my heart that I am starting to hear… again…?
I received a text this morning explaining that someone had thought about something I said… oh heck… #1 “…. I know I was really negative about … stuff at …’s. It is a side effect of being overwhelmed. But, I’ve been chewing on what you said when we/I said we didn’t want to have a wedding. You said “thank you”. And I didn’t know what to say at first, but now I understand! I just want to say thank you for being kind enough to have that response instead of validating our feelings. That’s really cool and it has changed my perspective!”
My two favorite words…. Awareness and Perspective… and now I have had the pleasure of manifesting a positive changed perspective for someone I love! Capital W. O. W! I feel so happy… so fulfilled… so grateful… words just can’t justify my hearts feelings… and then #2 “… I’m grateful that you are VERY easy going” … wait… what??? Did I just get called “VERY easy going” ??? Who am I? “… they know me not,” …heck I don’t know me not…lol… “for today I am a new man, with a new life.” Yeah baby!
Last night I came across a video from my favorite Pastor Jim. It was one of those sermons that I just wish I could have been sharing with … well EVERYONE! I sent it to a special someone that I know was… is, going through a really hard time. The response I got back was “You always seem to have just what I need when I need it! Thanks!” That made my heart sing… again. So I called her after getting this text and something that I picked up on a year or two ago that I kinda wanted to do presented itself to me again. She, like I, go into what we call dark mode. Sometimes just a bit, but other times to the deepest, darkest hole we can find. She was there… dark… and this time deep. This person reached out to me. Shared her feelings of quitting… giving up… and OMG… ME TOO!
I loved the group analogy Pastor Jim had shared a few years ago, and then again in this video, that we learn in rows, we grow in circles. We believe that living life and linking arms in a safe “me too” group is the best environment… the best environment to create. A safe haven, an environment with no judgement… a safe harbor… a shoulder to lean on or to cry on… ears to listen and hearts to share and support. I want to be a part of a group like this. I want to help!
I was on my way to an appointment while I was on this call and pulled over to give the situation my full attention. It horrified me and then filled my heart with gratitude as I was able to get her to actually laugh before hanging up. As I entered my appointment, horror once again began to overcome me as this women explained that she was in a horrible, frustrating, ready to quit… ready to give up, mood. 🙁 She had pulled herself back up and out of the horrific funk she fell into, but the story was the same… just a different person. How many others are like this? What can I do to help? Can I help? Do I want to help? Who will help if I don’t? Am I hearing my heart calling? Will I answer the call?
YES… Yes I will help. Yes I want to help. Yes, I want to at least start down the road of creating my group and seeing what happens from there. I’m going into a sit to see what I can manifest… and what the universal mind… or the spirit… or God has to share with me. I Believe
I don’t know where time goes anymore. I thought before it was flying by… when I was negative and not enjoying life…but now… now that my life is mine again and I am doing what I want instead of doing what I have to…well ZOOOOM!!! It is really flying by!
While I am working on my patience, I am impatient…? Did beginning my last career take so long to take off? Why does now feel as if time is going by so much faster? Why now after I have let my career go, do I seem to have even less time???