Allocation to give myself grace for this week.
Allocation to give myself grace for this week.
Locked… hanging… waiting… processing… thinking …OBSERVING!!!
Thanks Joan for reaching out and acknowledging the awareness I am having of myself. I seem to be in such a turmoil… at least internally. The new … or future me struggling with past… trying to make it past, me.
The refusal of doing work that just simply is overwhelming me… real or not… as much as I am in such a great turmoil… battle… fight… with myself!? …I can’t shake the bits of red pencil that creep in and call me out… loser… never finish anything you start… it’s just refusal of the call to my greatness, is why I am not doing it… playing small… not letting your light shine… it’s all okay Rip… don’t worry about it… why are being so hard on yourself… why are you trying to become something different than you are???…. something that you are not… STOP! Taking control back from my own negative thoughts is what I know that I need to do!!!… but… It’s so hard… so frustrating and exhausting and emotional… I just want to slip back into a deep dark hiding spot… hold out somewhere until this blows over… and things just go back to… uh NO!
What did I get myself into??? Why do I always have to try to take the hard way through everything I do?… wait… am I slipping back into pools of self-pity? YIKES! Awareness. I’m not going to compare myself with others… I will only look at what I am doing well! Where’s my green pencil?… I need a good ole boost of positivity to push me through this mindset! Back to the war. Battle by battle I can leap… just as the swings of my axe barely chip away at the mighty oak… something is better than nothing and going back to what I was is not an option at this point!!! I can be what I will to be and I will to move forward…
Thank you to everyone for all of your support… kind words… and kicks in the butt that I really do need. For some reason at some times I fall into pools of self pity… I get my red pencil out and start going nuts on myself. While I help others see what they do right and don’t allow them to red pencil themselves… yet… I do not do the same for myself!!!???
I repaired a rotted out roof a few weeks ago and while a friend was asking me about finishing it, I said that I did… BUT let’s wait until after it rains to see if it is waterproofed this time, I added. SERIOUSLY she asked! You finished the huge project of cutting out rotted roof sections and rotted wall sections and got it all back together and finished that …and rather than green penciling yourself and basking in the glory of completing the project, you moved the goal post back and rather than celebrating your accomplishment, you saw the glass half empty… or looked for the negative!!!???
Hmmmmmm. What the hell… Boy did she let me have it!!! …and you know what?… she was right! Why did I do that? I wouldn’t ever let her do that… and how good is that of her to call me out on that??? So why? Old blueprint? Was I needing a fix of boo hoo poor me??? Was it the old me… playing small… not serving the world… being afraid of my light… shrinking so that others won’t feel insecure around me???
So many awarenesses are starting to surface. While at first I hid myself in shame when I became… when I become aware… I have started to associate a different feeling with that new found awareness… celebration! Only from a new found awareness can change begin… and Thank God I am starting to become aware of a whole lot of things in my life that are not as how I want them… anymore. Now I can truly begin to associate different feelings and different reactions to things that had started to define my future… to trap me in my old life, my old blueprint… to which I say… NOT ANYMORE! I can be what I will to be! I believe!
Stalled… Overwhelmed… Observing… Why am I in this…. funk? Why can I see more clearly in others that which I can not see in myself? Why does my light scare me?
I can disappear into sits and not want to come back to reality…. or do I go to reality when I disappear into my sits and not want to return to… to… hmmmm
How long does it take to do absolutely everything? Does anyone do everything??? How do you have time to do everything???
I am in such a …. funk… I guess is the best word I can think of. Everything seems all funked up! Maybe it is where I need to be to restart or reboot me… I just don’t know… or do I?
I take each day as they come and am grateful for each of them. No longer having the elephant riding on my chest each day is an amazing feeling. Time to focus on who I want to become. I can will what I want to be.
As the work gets piled on, I step back away and observe myself. Years peel back exposing the memories of my feelings like it was yesterday… STOP…. PILING … ON… THE … HOMEWORK!!! …and just like that… I am back in school! YIKES!!!
It wasn’t very good the first time I felt these feelings and I am remembering these feelings again, but this time there is a difference. This time the work I know I have to do! I have come so far already… How could I give up at this point???
So just like last year when I opened the door and there was snow halfway up the door and it was still snowing… I just laugh at how the universe wants to be… chuckling to myself as I close door, I begin to sing “let it snow let it snow let it snow…” Pile it on pile it on pile it oooooon!
I will not let my emotions nor the red pencil dictate the weight of my perceived success! I will do what I can and focus on the positivity of what I do. That which I have not done is only because I have not been able to get to it YET. I will get to it!
This week is a very difficult week for me… You see, I have recently become aware of the fact that I shrink so that other people won’t feel insecure around me. I thought that not only was it okay, but that I was actually helping others by not making them feel insecure around me.
Explain that to me Extraordinary Eileen asks. So if I was having an amazing day and someone asked me how I was doing, especially someone that I know was not in a good way, instead of saying “I am awesome today… truly having a magnificent day!” …I would say “I’m okay… you know, same ole same ole.” I would actually feel guilty to be having such a great day because the person I was engaging with was not.
Writing this out and reading it takes on even another form to me now. I can kind of justify it… but being involved with the MasterKey Mastermind Alliance (MKMMA) and learning what I am learning and reading that with my newfound knowledge…well…makes it seem pretty stupid that I would do that to myself!?
So week three of the MasterKey lesson brings out lots of tears from me as I try to read through it. “It is evident, therefore, that all we have to do is let our light shine;” …all we have to do!!!??? Yikes!!!
What a shift of habit! …and awareness:
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
…and BOOM! I AM ALL IN! How selfish have I been NOT letting my light shine>? What an awareness of how helpful I could be if I would just let my light shine!!!
Today I begin my new life!
Got some help from the Alliance this week with something that I was struggling with… Linking.
The Blue Rectangle was introduced last week for us to use as a linking tool… to be used as a string around the finger to remember kinda deal to “link” what we have written down on our chore card to do. I equate it to when you really never saw any Ford Sho’s on the road… until… you bought one! My two favorite words, Awareness and Perspective. We (Extraordinary Eileen and I) never really saw any Sho’s until after we bought one. I would say that our awareness of Ford Sho’s increased to the point that we started seeing them all over… Perspective.
This week I have started to look for Blue Rectangles… the color Blue… and the Rectangle shape. I think that I am going to have to tie a string around my finger because I keep fading the awareness of looking for Blue Rectangles away!? I like the idea that I can keep the chore that I wrote down in the front of my mind and things that I need to do and link it subconsciously to Blue… Rectangles. So teaching my subconscious that every time I see Blue Rectangles I will think of my chore… compounded with the “Do It Now” chant 25 times twice a day… how could I not get my chore done!!!???
Already Week 1 of the MKMMA is upon me… gone by me… YIKES!
I struggled to make the decision to once again engage in the MasterKey Mastermind Alliance (MKMMA) or the MasterKey Experience (MKE) as some call it. The Extraordinary Eileen asked if I was participating again this year and while I pondered her question, I turned to look into those beautiful blue eyes of hers and realized that she was not asking me 😉 I have learned a great question to ask myself in times of difficulty and when I simply need a burst of truth… What am I pretending not to know?
So… here I am in my 5th journey through the MasterKey Experience… Thank-you sweetheart!
I have learned that I am somewhat of a perfectionist at heart and I really can’t let go of the fact that I really want to find my true calling, my passion, my dharma. I have come so far at this point of my journey, how could I give up when what my heart really wants seems to be so close???
I will catch up! I will do what needs to be done and if it is only one more step closer to where I am going… well… I’ll be one more step closer!!!
Truth and Grace… truth and grace…. truth and grace…. Reminds me of our (MKMMA) chants… Do It Now… do it now…. Do it now….
Hold on…. I’m having a moment …*processing*
I was going to write about how I used to go “red pencil” and talk about the less than positive feelings I have about what I am doing… BUT, the universe is exactly the way it is suppose to be… which must mean that I am exactly the way I am suppose to be!!!
So no more shoulda, coulda, woulda’s… We make decisions based on what we believe to be true. The most important being… What is most important to me today… tomorrow… next week, next month, next year… What. Do. I. Want. Notice… notice not a question…. Anymore! (Thanks Terry!). …but a focus. A focus on what is important to me.
MKMMA has taught me to be aware. The assignment was to look for Kindness(es), count them each day for the week. Got home from day one… damn…never looked for kindness. I backtracked throughout my day and was able to recognize the instances of kindness that had happened… but… something about “Living in The Moment” made me regret not being able to have instantly recognized the Kindness while it was happening. …reminds me of the woman who lives on the lake and upon being invited into her house I was drawn into her living room which sat on the lake with an amazing view…I was filled with so much happiness to have been able to witness such magnificent beauty that it brought a tear to my eyes. “What a beautiful view!” I exclaimed… to which she responded “Thank you.” I was a little taken aback… like she had something to do with it?… I remember thinking to myself. “Thank you for reminding me of what a beautiful view I have here” she replied. “It becomes taken granted for because we live here all the time.” She continued “and I made a pact with myself that every time someone comments about the beautiful view, I will take a moment or two, and focus back on the beautiful view and make believe that I am seeing it for the first time again.” How cool! …Awareness!
We have all been programmed… “As a child I was slave to my impulses; now I am slave to my habits, as are all grown men. I have surrendered my free will to the years of accumulated habits and the past deeds of my life have already marked out a path which threatens to imprison my future.” AWARENESS! No! I will NOT allow this to happen! It is up to ourselves to focus on what we want. Kindness…focus on it. Develop something to keep that focus in front of you all day. Day 2 and day 3 were repeats of day 1 for me…returning home and having forgotten to look for kindness(es). Day 4. Wrote out an index card and put it on my dashboard in my truck! In one of my stops there was a newer mechanic struggling to pull an intake apart. One of the older mechanics intervened… “Hey, can I show you a trick how to do that?” he asked. The young mechanic eagerly started nodding his head yes. As I made my way to them I told Josh, “that’s really nice of you to help him out like this.” Just his reaction to my compliment made my day. The Butterfly Effect. We have no idea of the magnitude of what we do. We can set in motion something that could create a result as huge as a butterfly fluttering its wings and setting off a tsunami on the other side of the world… but it all first starts with what we decide to focus on… and HOW we decide to focus on it.
It has been a struggle…I’m not going to lie. BUT… I don’t even know where to start with the rewards that have come to me. I think I have writingly …yup…made a new word up 😉 Processing my thinking by writing it out…most times I verbally process… just now I writingly processed what I need to do next to focus on what I want next… gonna write it out on a index card and put it where I can see it!!!
Weeks are blowing by like days, months like weeks, and years… well, I think you get the picture.
Ironically, I remember blogging about this exact phenomenon in one of my first blogs…BUT I remember then of being in/of the mindset of wasting my life away… trapped in a life that didn’t have a plan… or even a light at the end of the tunnel. I was turning into that old crabby guy, looking for all that was wrong… YIKES!!!
“Emerson loved the good, and his life was a symphony of peace and harmony. Carlyle hated the bad, and his life was a record of perpetual discord and inharmony.” I choose to love the good and let the bad atrophy.
As my vehicle started decreasing speed and my check engine light started flashing at me on the highway in the middle of the bridge in Burlington, VT, an hour away from home at 11:30 in the middle of the night, I found myself smiling and starting to laugh. Whaaaaaat? What’s so awesome about me now that a situation like this, that I probably would have punched a window out in the past, brings a smile and laughs from me now??? While I cannot control WHAT happens to me… I can control HOW I respond!!!
I was also coming from an amazing weekend with my family. We all met in NH for our annual Deli-night and this year brought about an amazing little… naaaaw….gonna call it an amazing huge miracle… my father was able to relive a little bit of his past history, performing on stage in front of his whole family!!! I’m posting here to 1) share it with you and 2) have it always available to me to watch.
I am so grateful for my new life and for being able to learn how to make myself happy.