This week is a very difficult week for me… You see, I have recently become aware of the fact that I shrink so that other people won’t feel insecure around me. I thought that not only was it okay, but that I was actually helping others by not making them feel insecure around me.
Explain that to me Extraordinary Eileen asks. So if I was having an amazing day and someone asked me how I was doing, especially someone that I know was not in a good way, instead of saying “I am awesome today… truly having a magnificent day!” …I would say “I’m okay… you know, same ole same ole.” I would actually feel guilty to be having such a great day because the person I was engaging with was not.
Writing this out and reading it takes on even another form to me now. I can kind of justify it… but being involved with the MasterKey Mastermind Alliance (MKMMA) and learning what I am learning and reading that with my newfound knowledge…well…makes it seem pretty stupid that I would do that to myself!?
So week three of the MasterKey lesson brings out lots of tears from me as I try to read through it. “It is evident, therefore, that all we have to do is let our light shine;” …all we have to do!!!??? Yikes!!!
What a shift of habit! …and awareness:
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
…and BOOM! I AM ALL IN! How selfish have I been NOT letting my light shine>? What an awareness of how helpful I could be if I would just let my light shine!!!
Got some help from the Alliance this week with something that I was struggling with… Linking.
The Blue Rectangle was introduced last week for us to use as a linking tool… to be used as a string around the finger to remember kinda deal to “link” what we have written down on our chore card to do. I equate it to when you really never saw any Ford Sho’s on the road… until… you bought one! My two favorite words, Awareness and Perspective. We (Extraordinary Eileen and I) never really saw any Sho’s until after we bought one. I would say that our awareness of Ford Sho’s increased to the point that we started seeing them all over… Perspective.
This week I have started to look for Blue Rectangles… the color Blue… and the Rectangle shape. I think that I am going to have to tie a string around my finger because I keep fading the awareness of looking for Blue Rectangles away!? I like the idea that I can keep the chore that I wrote down in the front of my mind and things that I need to do and link it subconsciously to Blue… Rectangles. So teaching my subconscious that every time I see Blue Rectangles I will think of my chore… compounded with the “Do It Now” chant 25 times twice a day… how could I not get my chore done!!!???
Already Week 1 of the MKMMA is upon me… gone by me… YIKES!
I struggled to make the decision to once again engage in the MasterKey Mastermind Alliance (MKMMA) or the MasterKey Experience (MKE) as some call it. The Extraordinary Eileen asked if I was participating again this year and while I pondered her question, I turned to look into those beautiful blue eyes of hers and realized that she was not asking me 😉 I have learned a great question to ask myself in times of difficulty and when I simply need a burst of truth… What am I pretending not to know?
So… here I am in my 5th journey through the MasterKey Experience… Thank-you sweetheart!
I have learned that I am somewhat of a perfectionist at heart and I really can’t let go of the fact that I really want to find my true calling, my passion, my dharma. I have come so far at this point of my journey, how could I give up when what my heart really wants seems to be so close???
I will catch up! I will do what needs to be done and if it is only one more step closer to where I am going… well… I’ll be one more step closer!!!
Truth and Grace… truth and grace…. truth and grace…. Reminds me of our (MKMMA) chants… Do It Now… do it now…. Do it now….
Hold on…. I’m having a moment …*processing*
I was going to write about how I used to go “red pencil” and talk about the less than positive feelings I have about what I am doing… BUT, the universe is exactly the way it is suppose to be… which must mean that I am exactly the way I am suppose to be!!!
So no more shoulda, coulda, woulda’s… We make decisions based on what we believe to be true. The most important being… What is most important to me today… tomorrow… next week, next month, next year… What. Do. I. Want. Notice… notice not a question…. Anymore! (Thanks Terry!). …but a focus. A focus on what is important to me.
MKMMA has taught me to be aware. The assignment was to look for Kindness(es), count them each day for the week. Got home from day one… damn…never looked for kindness. I backtracked throughout my day and was able to recognize the instances of kindness that had happened… but… something about “Living in The Moment” made me regret not being able to have instantly recognized the Kindness while it was happening. …reminds me of the woman who lives on the lake and upon being invited into her house I was drawn into her living room which sat on the lake with an amazing view…I was filled with so much happiness to have been able to witness such magnificent beauty that it brought a tear to my eyes. “What a beautiful view!” I exclaimed… to which she responded “Thank you.” I was a little taken aback… like she had something to do with it?… I remember thinking to myself. “Thank you for reminding me of what a beautiful view I have here” she replied. “It becomes taken granted for because we live here all the time.” She continued “and I made a pact with myself that every time someone comments about the beautiful view, I will take a moment or two, and focus back on the beautiful view and make believe that I am seeing it for the first time again.” How cool! …Awareness!
We have all been programmed… “As a child I was slave to my impulses; now I am slave to my habits, as are all grown men. I have surrendered my free will to the years of accumulated habits and the past deeds of my life have already marked out a path which threatens to imprison my future.” AWARENESS! No! I will NOT allow this to happen! It is up to ourselves to focus on what we want. Kindness…focus on it. Develop something to keep that focus in front of you all day. Day 2 and day 3 were repeats of day 1 for me…returning home and having forgotten to look for kindness(es). Day 4. Wrote out an index card and put it on my dashboard in my truck! In one of my stops there was a newer mechanic struggling to pull an intake apart. One of the older mechanics intervened… “Hey, can I show you a trick how to do that?” he asked. The young mechanic eagerly started nodding his head yes. As I made my way to them I told Josh, “that’s really nice of you to help him out like this.” Just his reaction to my compliment made my day. The Butterfly Effect. We have no idea of the magnitude of what we do. We can set in motion something that could create a result as huge as a butterfly fluttering its wings and setting off a tsunami on the other side of the world… but it all first starts with what we decide to focus on… and HOW we decide to focus on it.
It has been a struggle…I’m not going to lie. BUT… I don’t even know where to start with the rewards that have come to me. I think I have writingly …yup…made a new word up 😉 Processing my thinking by writing it out…most times I verbally process… just now I writingly processed what I need to do next to focus on what I want next… gonna write it out on a index card and put it where I can see it!!!
Weeks are blowing by like days, months like weeks, and years… well, I think you get the picture.
Ironically, I remember blogging about this exact phenomenon in one of my first blogs…BUT I remember then of being in/of the mindset of wasting my life away… trapped in a life that didn’t have a plan… or even a light at the end of the tunnel. I was turning into that old crabby guy, looking for all that was wrong… YIKES!!!
“Emerson loved the good, and his life was a symphony of peace and harmony. Carlyle hated the bad, and his life was a record of perpetual discord and inharmony.” I choose to love the good and let the bad atrophy.
As my vehicle started decreasing speed and my check engine light started flashing at me on the highway in the middle of the bridge in Burlington, VT, an hour away from home at 11:30 in the middle of the night, I found myself smiling and starting to laugh. Whaaaaaat? What’s so awesome about me now that a situation like this, that I probably would have punched a window out in the past, brings a smile and laughs from me now??? While I cannot control WHAT happens to me… I can control HOW I respond!!!
I was also coming from an amazing weekend with my family. We all met in NH for our annual Deli-night and this year brought about an amazing little… naaaaw….gonna call it an amazing huge miracle… my father was able to relive a little bit of his past history, performing on stage in front of his whole family!!! I’m posting here to 1) share it with you and 2) have it always available to me to watch.
I am so grateful for my new life and for being able to learn how to make myself happy.
Serving the greater good… You cannot give and not receive, just as you cannot receive without giving. One of the lessons I love in the MasterKey is “Give more Get more.” I love to give… I love the feeling I get when I have been able to be in true service to someone. The second stage of giving is receiving… I know that I cannot give to someone without getting something. I understand that it possibly will not be through the same channel that I gave that it will come back from, but regardless… and amazingly enough… I absolutely love and am quite surprised most of the times, with the reciprocity from my giving!
This week I have been blessed to have been able to spend time with my son and his fiancée. His pipes froze and broke in their house in Maryland and, as a part of my new life, I have been able to come down here and spend time helping him fix them. What was the positive perspective of this situation: It enabled us to be able to spend time together, it upgraded the horrible cheap plastic piping to Pex, we celebrated together our ability to repair this ourselves.
I am grateful for my new life! I am grateful for all the positive things that happen to me everyday. I am grateful to the members of our tribe that take the time to share. I am grateful to our tribe leader/guide, the Terrific Terry, that consistently shows new perspectives to us.
I welcome obstacles for they are my challenge …has been my chant this week. I fight to accept that the universe is exactly the way it is suppose to be because I know the greater good that will come from this acceptance! …but…isn’t there always a “but”???… it is sooooo hard to stay positive… to look for the good in everything. Sometimes it is just accepting the fact that I am being tested.
Constantly I find myself justifying… just look where I am now verses where I was two years ago! Attitude! Awareness… Perspective. It is all good. I think it important to keep focus on the “what I want” at this point. It’s not what happens to me… it is how I choose to react to it that is the important part. This has been a huge shift for me and has been a work in progress. I think that is why the things that have happened to me have happened…tests… they are all tests… I’ll keep that in perspective…. keep moving forward… keep focusing on my green pencil… and keep enjoying my new life!
Celebrating getting my DMP approved stalled my efforts to move forward as fast as I anticipated…BUT….It’s all good!!!
While I want to justify and make excuses… even red pencil myself… I fight with every ounce of my new self to accept the universe is exactly the way it is suppose to be and make myself fight my old blueprint so that I can not only accept where I am right now, but to bask in the glory of where I am right now… A LOT closer to where I am going and what I want than I was before!!!
I have doubled back to week 5 and 6 and 7, etc… I am trying to take up where I should have been after getting my DMP approved. I struggle with the next step of linking the shapes and colors to my DMP and assigning SMART goals. Just as with my DMP, I refuse to give up on my future self and what I want…so again I am diving into getting this done. I will be reaching out to Terrific Terry for help and guidance again. I feel that this is the year that everything will start coming together for me, and as already, I know it is only a matter of time until I get everything in line.
Did it! Done! …Finally!!! … I can answer Mark J’s echoing question in my head:
WHAT DO YOU WANT?
It feels amazing to complete something that I wanted to know… just never was able to. To answer a question that seems so darn easy to answer… yet…I hadn’t. I didn’t think I could.
It goes back to high school for me… my father asking me… my guidance counselor asking me… wait *thinking* …What kind of guidance counselor does not help a student figure out SQUIRREL! …Negative thought… brush it away like the burning ember that just popped out of the wood stove onto me…phew…no harm done…
How could I live my life with no direction? Why am I here? WHAT DO I WANT?
Deepest heartfelt thanks and gratitude go to The Terrific Terry, my Guide, who hung with me and guided me to find my Definite Major Purpose. It feels as if a weight has been lifted off of me. I now know WHAT I WANT! Almost two years ago I walked out of an attorney’s office in Florida freeing myself from what became torment from my 30-year career… completing my DMP (Definite Major Purpose) …being told from my guide: Congratulations, it is done… brings back that same feeling of deep relief I had that day 2 years ago! *wait… as I bask in this feeling again…. It feels so good … I am so grateful… life is so awesome!*
I powered through another revision of my DMP this week. It was a struggle to say the least… but as I said before, and I will make it my new subconscious habit to finish what I start… Especially something as important as ME! …and my future me.
I came across something that helped me understand…hear it again…put in someone else’s words…different awareness…perspective, that I want to at least put here for safe keeping:
Something….someone I have been studying for years now…
Hopefully I am close to closing the chapter on my DMP for this year… It has taken not only A LOT of time but it has also taken a lot of my energy…mentally…anyway.