Thank you to everyone for all of your support… kind words… and kicks in the butt that I really do need. For some reason at some times I fall into pools of self pity… I get my red pencil out and start going nuts on myself. While I help others see what they do right and don’t allow them to red pencil themselves… yet… I do not do the same for myself!!!???
I repaired a rotted out roof a few weeks ago and while a friend was asking me about finishing it, I said that I did… BUT let’s wait until after it rains to see if it is waterproofed this time, I added. SERIOUSLY she asked! You finished the huge project of cutting out rotted roof sections and rotted wall sections and got it all back together and finished that …and rather than green penciling yourself and basking in the glory of completing the project, you moved the goal post back and rather than celebrating your accomplishment, you saw the glass half empty… or looked for the negative!!!???
Hmmmmmm. What the hell… Boy did she let me have it!!! …and you know what?… she was right! Why did I do that? I wouldn’t ever let her do that… and how good is that of her to call me out on that??? So why? Old blueprint? Was I needing a fix of boo hoo poor me??? Was it the old me… playing small… not serving the world… being afraid of my light… shrinking so that others won’t feel insecure around me???
So many awarenesses are starting to surface. While at first I hid myself in shame when I became… when I become aware… I have started to associate a different feeling with that new found awareness… celebration! Only from a new found awareness can change begin… and Thank God I am starting to become aware of a whole lot of things in my life that are not as how I want them… anymore. Now I can truly begin to associate different feelings and different reactions to things that had started to define my future… to trap me in my old life, my old blueprint… to which I say… NOT ANYMORE! I can be what I will to be! I believe!