This past week has been one that I would like to forget. I have not been able to do my very best that I can in the MKMMA and it is not only compiling guilt on top of guilt but it is also creeping into all aspects of my life. Is that the reason for me being in the frame of mind that I am? While I am scared, I am also excited about what I think is one of the biggest decisions in my life. In one way I look at my MKMMA experience as another half-hearted attempt to take control of my life, but on the other hand, for some reason I think a different outcome is being created. I am trying very hard to get rid of the red pencil I seem to always grade myself with but I am brutally aware now that it is and will be a battle. Rather than concentrating on what I am not doing, I try very hard to concentrate on what I am doing, the things I choose to spend my time doing and what the overall outcome is or will be. Letting go of the banana is a huge win for me, although I feel, and maybe it has been the source of my negativity, discomfort and overall outward appearance of me to others lately, that it was the right decision to make. I have now placed a lot of faith in God and the feelings that have been placed in my heart that I am following…hearing my dream that is calling and progressing in a direction that I believe will be best…for me and for all those whose lives I interact with. I no longer want to be the person I am expected to be. I want to be me, I want to be a happier me that everyone wants to be around.
This last week did not suite me well and has raised questions and feelings again…or is it that I did not suite last week very well? Chaos, conflict and confrontations were the norm. As hard as I tried to handle the situations, I did not succeed to satisfy myself or others very well. I am remorseful now. Why do I act that way? I honestly can not remember the exact situations that happened and wonder if I am just trying to put it out of my mind or if there is something else going on that I simply just don’t understand, or want to understand. What am I pretending not to know? My whole world seems to be on edge. I question everything now and do not know what I really want again. I really want to be happy. I sit in my bed alone today, hoping the pain in my head will disappear, did I create it?… hoping the pain from a failed family get-together will subside, yup…I’ll take credit for that one…who else could I blame that on? I miss my wife, my daughter, my son and my dog. I miss my mastermind partner who I have no idea why just stopped being there for me. Have I fallen into pools of self-pity again? How can you feel so sure of something in one moment and in the next be completely at a loss? I know I need to pull myself up but I really rather pull the blankets up over my head and take a time out from life. Where or who can I turn to get some questions answered?
Keeping The Faith