I do not even know where to begin. …how about with a question…no…a comment…a comment with a question…alright already…just spit something out! I feel like the first time I caught a fish…so excited and proud…reeling that puppy in…everyone watching and pointing and giving me advice…slowly now…don’t let it get away…and then as I pulled it out of the water…PANIC! What do I do? Do I have to grab it…I don’t want to…eeeeeeeew…will it bite me, burn me…I heard sun fish burn…thank goodness someone grabbed the darn thing and with it my fear and anxiety! I took a deep breath and with things under control, was taught what to do when I get a fish out of the water.
Know where I am headed? “My days now reflect my new independence and freedom that allows me to make my own schedule.” ~ from my DMP. My lawyer contacts me and tells me that “the time is right.” ~ from my real life!!!??? ~ I got that fish coming out of the water feeling again. I caught something that I didn’t really expect…and I’m not going to lie, it’s scaring the holy hell out of me!!! What do I DO???
My whole life – okay, so I’m 56 days ago and I’ve been at this for the last 30 years…since I was 26…is that close enough to my whole life?…okay…so my whole life has been this thing, this job, this career, this way that I spend my time to make the paper that I exchange for the “things’ that I want out of life…home, vehicles, toys, etc., that has become the normal for me. It is comfortable…it is secure…it is there…it demands my time…it creates stress and anxiety and negativity… thank you 7 Day Mental Diet for that realization/awareness…BUT it was safe and secure!
“Living a life of quiet desperation” “settling for normal” Yup…guilty…that’s me…was me…is me??? I’m not, was not, okay…maybe still a little not so secure enough in myself to demand more from life…from my life. I’ve spent hours in meditation…sit…prayer (whatever one would call it) trying to hear my dream that is calling…trying to hear or get some form of guidance or a sign to make one of the most difficult decisions I have ever had to make easier. Nope…not really getting it. 🙁 What am I pretending not to know??? Am I blocking or ignoring something?
I reached out to my incredible wife…she “supports me in whatever decision I make”…hmmm…okay…no real help there…but then again it is my decision, so I understand her decision and genius. (I’m so lucky to have her 🙂 )
So I reach out to my father Friday night and after awhile he cuts me off because he has to get to Temple for 7. Hmmm…great idea, I wonder when Temple is here…probably too late but after a quick google, 7:30 …PERFECT…I’m off to Temple! I can’t believe that I hear a message in the Rabbi’s sermon that brings me to tears. You can have any life that you choose if you will only choose to focus and set your goals on what you want. Dad calls me back after Temple, which in itself is another eye-opener because my Dad doesn’t usually call me, and he helps me gain a little better perspective of my situation through his eyes.
Now I feel myself fighting to hold onto reasons and justifications to not change my circumstances, my life…WHY??? Why am I holding on so tight to something that causes me so much stress and negativity? It’s all based on the paper…the security…the ….OMG….I’m writing this as Davene is explaining the mindset of changing the name of the “chore” card to the “service” card. We changed this after only weeks of calling it the “chore” card in order to make it easy to do. We don’t want to keep it for 20 years and then have to try to change it, it would just be too hard!!!???? Seriously??? How about keeping a “job” for 30 years…how easy is that to change…to let go???
This morning I woke after 5 hours of sleep. “I awake each morning with a vitality I have never known before” … “with enthusiasm pulsating and driving every cell in my body” ~ from my DMP. I was a little freaked…okay A LOT. I don’t…didn’t know what was going on in my body, something I have really never felt before. I somewhat calmed after reading my DMP and realizing that the vitality and enthusiasm was pulsating and driving every cell in my body…holy crap!!!??? My incredible wife texts me, she is working in Conn., that she is showering and heading to church. Hmmm…you see this one coming too right 😉 I check the clock and yup, just enough time to make it to church. Father Scott tells the story of how when we are young we are asked, what do you want to be when you grow up? …and I forgot tissues again.
What Do You Want ?