I have become painfully aware this week that my subconscious is not going to allow me to simply change myself all-of-a-sudden. Difficulties have arisen that I’m not really prepared for. My mind is scrambled. I’m having arguments with myself. Trying to rationalize what I am feeling, what I want, what I don’t want and why I am feeling the way I am. I remember one of my daughters’ sayings; the heart wants what the heart wants. I recognize the difficulty arising from “As a child I was slave to my impulses; now I am slave to my habits, as are all grown men. I have surrendered my free will to the years of accumulated habits and the past deeds of my life have already marked out a path which threatens to imprison my future.” Yikes….no thank-you! No imprisoning my future please…but I definitely see how that happens. My new awareness does not want that to happen! I want what my heart wants!
A new perspective that plays through my head fairly regularly now is calling me out. What if I knew that I was going to die next year, next month, next week…. would I be doing what I am doing right now if I knew my expiration date? Um…..no. So why am I? Years of accumulated habits? Yup…sadly so. But it is comfortable…safe…secure to me. When I try to deviate from my “years of accumulated habits” is when I notice my old blueprint, my cement, making me feel guilty…calling me back to safe, secure, comfortable habits. I have already plowed through decisions, no wait…I have overturned decisions that I would have normally made by simply asking myself: If I were to die next week, would this be the decision that I would have wanted to make now? …and with all my heart I find the strength to decide…to go to CT with my daughter, to go spend the weekend with my father…to go spend time with my wife…to go watch my daughter run…so refreshing and fulfilling to live it…BUT the fight to overcome the guilt, the stress, the anxiety is overwhelming! The voices in my head…trying to pull me back into my imprisoned future… GO AWAY VOICES!
I’m working on hearing my dream that is calling. Trying to find that which I want so bad that I can build a burning desire for, focus on, and go after. I am creating my DMP (Definite Major Purpose) now, which, for too long, I have put aside. I have many passions…many interests that I would love to pursue…but I am concentrating on narrowing them down, picking the one that I want to ‘focus Daniel-son, focus, on. I’ll keep reading, and learning, and sitting, and listening, knowing that soon I will start hearing my dream that is calling…and then, out of my way!